Oh My Buddha

'Where you from?"
-"America"
"You go school or work?"
-"Work."
"You shshdhehdi ft ebwisbrksh?"
-"What?"
You live there?"
-"Where?"
"America."
-"Oh! Yes."

Well actually sir the truth is I neither work or live in America, but we are not proficient enough in any common language for me to properly explain the truth.

That yes, I did live somewhere for the last two year, but it wasn't America, but I am American and I was working for the American Government. And I had a job that I loved very much but had to leave it, so currently, I'm unemployed. And now I'm returning to America again  after two years to re-establish the answer to the "work and live" question.

The truth honestly is that I live here. With you. And all your extended family and friends at this hotel this week.

But for the sake of brevity, the answer to both your questions today will be "yes".

What Peace Corps did to me

1. Deteriorate my English.
When you become a part of a culture, you tend to take on small nuances of the people, language, and culture. One major and obvious point of acknowledgment is speaking English in a way that best suits the understanding of your audience. For example, in Kenya:
"Assist me with tissue"= give me toilet paper

However, without the knowledge of local language it transforms into something  slightly more crude.

In Thailand, there is significantly less English. It becomes something like,
" toilet. Paper?" [frantic motioning of butt wiping]

In Cambodia, less English.
[Find props, such as a toilet bowl to completely act out what I want]

This is why I love traveling.

2. Instill the urge to bargain for everything. In addition to acting completely and utterly baffled at anything that is over $5.
"TEN DOLLARS?? NO. TWO FOR $5. Because we're friends."
"Um, sorry ma'am, all prices at 7-eleven are fixed..."

3. Eat ambiguous food. Cuz you're being polite. ..Or impatient.

"what is that?"
       "Unclear."
"Is that meat? Tofu? Pork? Jello?"
       "Dunno."
"I'm hungry. Lets just get it."
       "OK. EXCUSE ME...TWO OF WHATEVER THAT IS. GIVE IT TO ME IN MY MOUTH."

The Ancient Art Of I Stand On Your Back Now

Nothing ruins a relaxing 60min, $5 massage like shooting pain all through your body. Through a series of stretches and applied pressure to specific points on the body, the Thai massage is suppose to  relieve the recipient of tension and tightness in the body. Masseuses use their entire bodies to contort you and themselves into different positions. It's like they're making your body do the yoga for you while occasionally punching, slapping and beating you.
However, calling yourself a masseuse in Thailand is like calling yourself a cosmetologist if you've ever put on your own make up. And that is exactly what a majority of the
"masseuses" do.They sit outside for hours publicly doing their own makeup waiting for
clients*.
Once they finally get their hands on you, they make believe they are chiropractors twisting and cracking vital joints, bones and organs while occasionally asking if "you okay babeey?"
One of the signature qualities of the Thai massage is them using their entire body intertwined with yours. Specifically, their feet, which they use to walk up and down your spine, when they're not in between YOUR legs doing full body push-ups on your pelvis.
Objecting is of course always an options while language is always a barrier. So while your vertebrae may feel like its about to implode, you only get to say ''GARFLAHGHDEIDLS!" The response to which is inevitably...you ok babeeee?
But by that time, you are already a quadriplegic. Sorry babeey.
But for all its ups and downs, lefts and rights, bends and flexes, we are now officially up to almost 5 each in three weeks.
The truest form of addiction.Can't stop won't stop.

*Clients*: Men looking for handies.

Angkor What?

-"I wish we knew what we were looking at."
-"Yeah I'm hovering near the English speaking tour groups and getting bits."
-"Maybe tomorrow we could get a tour guide."
-"Or we could buy one of those books."
-"Or we can go to one of those internet cafes and look up some stuff before tomorrow."
-"Or our hotel has computers for us to use."
-"Or we can just use our phones on the hotel WiFi later."
-"Yeah, let's do that."
-"Yeah."

Our conversations tend to de-evolve pretty quickly.

Almost famous...and feminine

That time we met whitney Houston and saw shakira, Cher, xtina aguilera and rihanna in concert. No big deal.

Miracle Drug

Tiger Balm is to Thailand as well, Lady-Boys are to Thailand. It is used during traditional Thai massages, which are sometimes relaxing, but mostly you're paying to be beat on by a very small or very large Thai woman. It's sold in multiple recipes in every pharmacy, convenient store and road side shop. It's like icey-hot, but Thai-ier. It's so important in Thailand that we wanted to offer some newly discovered uses for it to those of you who have never had the chance to partake in this miracle ointment.

Rub on any and all sore muscles and joints for instant relief.
Slather under and around eyes to curb headaches.
Swallow a Tbsp for upset stomachs.
Bug bite relief.
Run through hair as a styling product.
Shoe polish.
Conversation starter: "What the he'll is that smell!?"
Upperlip hair remover.
If feeling adventurous, or suicidal, use as lube.
Also, it cures cancer.

Tired Unwashed Masses Yearning To Be Sober

Come on down to Ko Phi Phi Thailand and enjoy the splendors of youth gone gross. Walk the quaint and tiny beach streets lined with scenic tourism offices while dodging bicycles and luggage carts.
Wake up early to see the sun rise over the bay and harbor. This early morning stroll will also give you the chance to see the elusive 6am "walk of shame" happening.
Spend the afternoon on a long boat tour of the island with 50 hungover 20 somethings trying not to vomit over the side. Snorkeling is a must, as well as visiting Maya Bay. Or as locals will call it 'The Beach' beach.
End your perfect day in paradise with your third serving of greasy pad Thai before consuming the local beverage aptly named 'The Bucket'. Served in an actual bucket and filled with ice, a flask of cheap vodka/rum/whiskey, one tiny can of soda and a chasers of red bull that isn't allowed in your home country because of its trace quantities of speed.
Ko Phi Phi: England's Cancun.

Last words, "This bar looks fun..."

Guess which things we saw come out of ladies's vaginas......

30ft scarf
Beads
Ping pong balls
Live Fish
Live turtles
Live dove
String of real razor blades
Darts, that popped balloons we were holding.
Smoke three cigarettes simultaneously in one drag.

Answer: All of them.

Gone Rabid.

The most disgusting picture I have ever taken...because of the monkey. Also, Jenn has rabies now.

No blood no tiger balm

Our last hostel had so many rules. No blood on the sheets, no tiger balm, no shoes, bring ur own toilet paper, no speaking out of turn, writing with your left hand, sleeping with your mouth open... Etc. What if I got a tiger balm massage then cut myself shaving then had no toilet paper to wipe up the blood OR my butt, then was so tired after all that that I just had to get into bed immediately, with my shoes on? The owner has clearly been burned before. We accidentally booked two nights instead of one so when we tried to get our money back, front desk lady said... Sorry no money but we can pay you with something else.
"What can we give you worth [$9]?"
       "Mmm... How about beer?"
"We can give you free breakfast."
       "OK. But. Can we have beer instead?"
"We have food..."
       "But...beer."
"........Ok...4 beers?"
Yes.  One of the many things Kenya taught us is perseverance. If it's not the answer I want I'm just going to keep asking because, I mean, everything is negotiable, right? I'm just going to assume there is something lost in translation if you disagree. MAYBE YOU DIDN'T HEAR? BEER. I SAID GIVE ME BEER. BEER. 50 baht? YOU SAID 50 BAHT?
       ...no I said 100.
FIFTY?? TAKE THIS 50. OK.
       Thank you...?

Mouth holes

Riding bikes, shopping, sleeping,talking to each other, blinking and breathing is just what we do in between meals.

AstASIA AbASIA

You may have noticed that the description of this blog is astasia  abasia, which is defined by Wikipedia as {n. The inability to walk in a normal manner. Patients exhibit an unusual and dramatic gait disturbance, lurching wildly in various directions and falling}. We chose this for our description for the following reasons:

1. This trip is about the opposite of the inability to walk, but, no matter your physical status, the ability to go anywhere.

2. We looked up words ending in 'Asia.'

3. Because we each only brought one pair of $2 shoes to walk in for the next 6 weeks.

4. Because the people pulling our pad Thai noodle engorged bodies and luggage in rickshaws will have severe symptoms of astasia abasia.

Kwaheri Kenya (Bye Kenya)

From July 23-September 17, Iwona and I will embark upon a journey through southeast Asia. We will chronicle our experiences through this 'blog' medium. We decided against littering your e-mail inboxes with weird rantings from wherever we are, so we leave it up to you to follow (the good choice) or not follow (an overall poor life decision).  

Honestly, I don't like this picture of either of us, but I think it is potentially a good representation of what is to come, based on the past- a lot of us sitting on the ground eating things that may or may not give us explosive diarrhea. Don't fret, though, we are vaccinated for like, everything. 

-J